Category Archives: Creative Writing
Seriously, Just Get Vaccinated Already
The only people who read this are friends of mine. And as far as I know, 100% of my friends are vaccinated.
But if you stumbled here from some random Twitter or Facebook post, please get vaccinated.
Look, I get that you may hate Democrats on principle. But there’s no reason to tank the economy and put the health of the nation at risk just because you want to make sure that the magical day you are sure will happen when you finally make $400,000 a year, your taxes aren’t higher.
Just get vaccinated. It’s safe. And look at it this way. If the vaccine ISN’T safe, you’re screwed anyway. Either 1/2 of us will be flesh-eating zombies and take you down regardless, or 1/2 of us will be dead and you won’t have a way to manage taking care of yourselves without any scientists or doctors. So you might as well just join us.
A Radical Idea for the MLB All-Star Game
All-Star Games are notoriously boring from a competitive level. In football, there’s no real tackling or hitting. In basketball, no one plays defense. And in baseball, you have the oddity of having the least known players pitching and batting in the most important innings of the game while the stars sit in the dugout (if they haven’t already headed to the airport.)
But that’s fine, because the purpose of these games is that they are EXHIBITIONS that are designed to show off the players’ skills, not games that matter. So if we are willing to consider the Major League Baseball All-Star game a true exhibition, here’s a radical idea to make it more interesting.
In a nutshell: Don’t have a lineup.
Now what does that mean?
- Each manager will have their roster of 23 field players. In this proposal, we would keep the tradition that the 9 starters are the players the fans chose, and let them have the grand introduction in the beginning. But after those first 9 batters and one inning in the field, anything goes (almost).
- The purpose of this proposal is to set up the highest number of the most interesting matchups between pitcher and hitter. So once the 1st 9 guys have batted, Managers get to look down their bench and send up anyone they want.
- We would set some limitations, such as: (a) No batter would hit twice in the same inning. (b) No batter can have a 3rd at bat until every field player on the team has batted once.
- Defensively, anything goes. Let’s put together really fun defensive alignments for an inning, such as old teammates playing together, the oldest group possible, the youngest group possible, players from all the 1st place teams, all the 1st timers, everyone with a gold glove, or whatever other combination you can think of.
- You could also make it interactive, by allowing fans to use the MLB mobile app to choose the next hitters one inning.
- Basically, the idea is to have the most interesting combinations of pitchers, batters and fielders for 9 innings, and make it the most fun for the fans to watch.
So all the stuffy old dudes will read this and say, “No I like it how it is.” And that’s fine. But this seems like an easy way to add some fun to the game.
A Proposal: The May 32nd NFL Trade Day
WARNING: Crazy dumb sports idea ahead. Hit the back button if that’s not your thing.
We all love NFL football. At least the stats and ratings say so.
But here we are in late May with no football to talk about. The draft is over. Training camp is still 2 months away. It’s a content desert. Well, I have a dumb idea to fix that.
On the NFL calendar, let’s change June 1 into May 32. And on that day we will have the Annual NFL 32 Team Trade. A made-for-TV, one-hour event. Here’s how it works:
- On May 31, every team submits 3 names into the Trade Pot. These players must be under contract and not Draft Pick or Undrafted Free Agent from that year’s draft.
- The draft begins on May 32 (June 1). The last-place team from the season before gets the first choice of the players in the pot.
- Whichever team has their player chosen pulls the rest of their players off the board and gets the next pick.
- And so on until every team has lost one player and gained one player. A true 32 team trade.
Yes, I know it doesn’t work. But this is my reminder to everyone to keep thinking creatively. Keep coming up with dumb ideas. You never know where a dumb idea might lead.
What I Learned – Living Through a Pandemic
It was about a year ago when we started to take the pandemic seriously. Sure, the White House continued to say that it wasn’t going to be an issue, but just about everyone who thinks squares have right angles and the world is round saw that there was an issue developing.
Companies began making people work from home, sports leagues began considering what they should do, and other countries to the west, south, and east of the United States considered ways to contain the disease from spreading in their nation.
So here we are, one year later. We all learned some things about ourselves and others. I’d love to hear your lists, but this is what stands out to me.
- Working from home is efficient: There are fewer 30 minute meetings that are wastes of time. And thanks to the miracle of “Stop Video” you can get work done during those meetings that are a waste. This alone adds time to your day.
- Not having to commute is wonderful: The average person living and working in Seattle proper could spend anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour trying to get downtown. And it was worse for anyone living in the surrounding areas. It’s like adding a whole extra hour to the day.
- However, people are fun, especially the ones who aren’t top of mind: COVID quarantine made me realize that being sequestered made me unconsciously filter my friends and colleagues the same way that Facebook and Google News filter my news feed. It’s true that I text messaged with friends about 2000% more than 2019, but the breadth of the number of people I spoke to narrowed significantly. Without Sounders matches, birthday parties, playing softball and soccer, or going to work, I missed out on hearing what huge swaths of the population were doing. That was a shame.
- Even with all the extra hours that I acquired during the day, I still didn’t complete everything I wanted to. I started the year with so many ideas – the book idea, the tv show idea, some startup ideas, learning a new language, studying technical analysis, getting in shape, etc… Some of these things I did well on, some I got started on and are in a holding pattern, and some fell by the wayside. So now I realize I shouldn’t listen to people who say, “They didn’t have time.”
- I like to cook: Man, I love to cook now. Give me a pile of books about NBA history or a pile of recipe books, and I know which one I’ll get through.
- Writing is harder when you don’t leave the house: No matter how hard I tried, I found writing to be more difficult during quarantine. There’s something about having external stimulus through the day to stimulate the imagination, or being able to sit in a coffee shop or bar with your laptop for an alternative work setting, that gets the words flowing.
- Twitter is a lens to the parts of the country I never travel: I was shocked this year to see how many people ignore facts, hypocritically contradict themselves from tweet to tweet, and in general, just make the country a worse place. I guess I’ve been lucky that my friends and colleagues are civil, rational people. Even the ones who I disagree with politically are grounded in reality. I had no idea there were so many people who could jump in a lake and swear to God that they never got wet.
- This year will not be easy: There’s some relief out there that with the vaccine, life can get back to “normal.” However, we’re going to have to redefine “normal.” It was not normal in previous years to have Congresspeople bring guns to work, people driving pickup trucks waving flags on the street, staying isolated for long periods of time, and implementing permanent work from home strategies. We’re going to have plenty of people who refuse vaccines, so the pandemic will rage on for years, hopefully limiting illness to the people who fail to take any precautions. But these continued illnesses will be a drain on our hospitals, tax dollars, and moral compass. When people without insurance who refuse a vaccine and refuse to wear a mask get violently ill, we’re going to have to suck it up and take care of them. That’s the way my cohort works at least.
I should add that of course I miss people, family dinners, travel, sports, conversation, great restaurants, etc… But I think we knew all that beforehand.
Would love to hear some of the things you learned.
A Super Bowl Chili Recipe
What a weird Super Bowl LIV. No parties, no going to bars, heck there will barely be anyone in the stadium itself.
So what does that leave us to do on Super Bowl Sunday? Well, cook of course.
I’ve been dinking around with my own variation of chili recipes for a while now. So since I already have a pot on the stove and no place to go right now, I’ll spend some time sharing the recipe with you.
First things first… When I say I have been dinking around with recipes, that really means, “I start with a general idea and then throw a whole bunch of stuff in and then can’t remember what I did.”
The General Idea
I like using two types of meat. Usually, I’ll season a Chuck Roast or something similar the night before and then brown it in the morning. (You know it’s properly browned when you set off the smoke alarm in the house and hear sounds of exasperation coming from your spouse as they open all the windows on a 40-degree day and have to wave towels at the alarm.) But I also add ground beef to fill out the profile. (We have also used ground turkey meat before and no one knew the difference if you want to go healthier.)
But before the meat goes in, I like to chop up an onion and let it brown at the bottom of the chili pot with a little olive oil, some garlic, and a chopped red pepper. I don’t know why I do this. It probably makes no difference taste-wise, but it serves the purpose of formally announcing the official start of the cooking process. We don’t have a royal trumpet to blow which would also serve the same purpose, and be more fun.
Once the big slab of meat has been browned it can be chopped up into bite-sized cubes, and added to the pot with the simmering onion, garlic, and pepper mixture. Then the ground beef goes in. Followed by some beef broth, one can each of tomato paste, tomato sauce, and diced tomatoes.
Now, this part changes around, and I know it’s not true Texas chili anymore when I do this, but I add a can of black beans. You can also use the bag of black beans which will keep a better consistency. I just like to have some fiber in there. And this next part is total chili heresy so I will deny it if anyone ever repeats it, but I sometimes include just enough red lentils to add depth and texture without anyone knowing they are eating lentils. The addition of lentils also makes the chili officially “healthy” without ruining the flavor. It might even qualify as being organic and vegan with this addition. I have to check the rules on that.
Then come the spices. And I would be lying if I could tell you what the exact mixture is. I have no idea the amounts or ratios of anything that goes in the spice mix. I can tell you that it features some combination of these: Salt (a smoky salt like Applewood is nice), black pepper, white pepper, garlic powder, regular chili powder, anejo chili powder, chipotle chili powder, fiesta chili powder, sweet smoked paprika, a dash of 50k cayenne powder, a cumin (up to you on that one), some herbs (usually oregano, basil, thyme), and then the secret weapons: chili cocoa powder and cinnamon. If I’m feeling feisty, I’ll also chop up a habenero and jalepeno pepper in very large chunks so that it can cook in the pot but is also big enough so that if it lands in your bowl you won’t accidentally eat it.
Then the lid goes on the pot and it all gets to simmer for as long as you want it to, somewhere between 3 and 6 hours. Taste throughout the day, and use any spice in your pantry to make alterations through the process.
Sometimes it needs more tomato sauce or paste to thicken it up, sometimes more broth or diced tomatoes to thin it out, sometimes more spice to fire it up. And if you realize you have made something that will light everyone on fire, add some brown sugar. That will mellow it out and no, it won’t taste like candy at all.
That’s it! Super simple. And because everything is generally in one pot, it doesn’t cause any mess at all! The kitchen is always as clean as when I started. Every time. At least that’s what I think. My wife may have a differing opinion.
Let me know if you have any chili recipes of your own. Happy Super Bowl.
Can Legalized Sports Gambling Save Baseball
On one hand, you could say baseball is thriving. Revenues are over Gross revenues are $10 billion, National TV ratings are up, and many teams have lucrative local or regional TV deals that help pay the bills and then some. Plus, every time an NBA or NFL team gets sold for a new record, each team sees its valuation go up as well.
But then there’s that pesky issue of attendance and fan interest. From Forbes, “The 2017 regular season saw a total of 72,670,423 in paid attendance across the league. This was the first time since 2010 that attendance dipped below the 73 million mark, which was surprising.”
People will argue why attendance is down, but most ideas fall around a central theme. The games are too long for today’s environment, often too boring, and the reliance on stats and analysis to make the smartest decisions possible takes the fun and unpredictability out of the game. Heck, even former players think the game is boring now. Jim Kaat says they should only play seven innings.
I made a comment earlier this week that I thought baseball was at its “Kodak Moment.” By that I meant, there was a time in the 1990’s when Kodak was making heaps of cash with a near monopoly on film and film development. Digital cameras kind of existed, but Kodak didn’t want to believe that people would prefer digital over film, so they just to keep looking at their stacks of cash, half-heartedly built some bad digital cameras, and ignored the direction the market was going. It’s easy to forget that in the mid-90’s, Eastman Kodak was a $90 stock. Today it’s barely above $5.00.
Compare that to Major League Baseball today. Heaps of cash, a storied history and a plethora of purists who want to make sure the game never changes. And the new entrants to their market are eSports and a growth in soccer, where people can get in and out of a match in a guaranteed 105 minutes. The market is shifting, and 10 years from now, you might be able to make an argument that the 2017 World Series may have been baseball’s apex.
But a savior has arrived, and its name is Legalized Gambling.
Today betting on a baseball game is dumb. Choose odds on a game or a point spread and hope for the best. It’s unpredictable at best, a monkey throwing darts at worst. Plus, why watch the game? All you need to do is check the score in the morning.
But the 2020 version of Legalized Sports Betting is intriguing. Be in the park or on your couch. Open your mobile phone app. Bet a tiny micro amount on each inning or each at bat. 2.5 to 1 he gets a hit. 2 to 1 they score a run. 10 to 1 there’s a home run in the inning. 1 to 1 there’s a strikeout. You could make 50-100 bets at $.25 to $2.00 per bet and the game would be awesome every pitch. And realistically, you’re probably only going to win or lose $10 to $20 per game unless you are exceedingly good or bad. A small price to pay for three hours of entertainment.
Baseball needs to get behind this. Having people actively involved on a batter by batter basis is akin to Fantasy Football players watching the 4th quarter of a 34-7 blowout to see if their receiver can pick up 60 cheap yards in garbage time. It would be great for the game, and engage a whole new set of fans who need instantaneous entertainment on their mobile devices. This generation of fans wouldn’t even need to watch the whole game – they could log in for an hour, play 20-30 bets, and then move on with their day.
Baseball need to embrace this. Don’t listen to the people who want to make fancier film. Go where the market wants to go.
9 Reasons the Mariners Will Make the Playoffs
It’s Opening Day! Yay Baseball! Is this the year the Mariners break their playoff drought? Here are 9 reasons why we shouldn’t be worried. We’re playoff bound.
1. James Paxton
You say he’s a guy who’s never been able to stay healthy, I say that with all those days on the DL, he has a 29 year old brain with a 26 year old’s arm. He could have 140 games started under his belt, but instead he’s just at 75. His stuff makes grown men cry and he’s ready for a huge year. Let’s write him in at 19-6.
2. Felix Hernandez
He’s spent the last 10 years playing with (and for) a bunch of chumps. It’s human nature – why work your hardest when the rest of your co-workers are drunk by lunch? Now he finally has a team around him that actually inspires – no, forces – him to be good. Big comeback year. Maybe not 2014 good, but let’s mark him for 17-8.
3. Mike Leake
He’s going to be a great #3 starter. Just wind him up, go watch a movie for 2 hours and come grab him in the 7th. If he can pitch to his career 3.98 ERA with THIS lineup, he’ll be 16-9.
4. The other pitchers, minus Edwin Diaz
At this point, the Big 3 have the team at 52-23, 29 games over .500. The rest of the crew with Iwakuma, Ramirez, Gonzales and whoever else we can bring up should be able to grind out at least 22-28. That gets the starters to 74-51 for their 125 decisions. Assuming the bullpen can go about .500 (say 18-19) in their 37 decisions, that gets the team to 92-70. That’s Wild Card worthy. Probably.
5. Edwin Diaz
So why do I think the bullpen can go .500? Because Edwin Diaz is almost un-hittable in the 9th inning, so they won’t have to play Reliever Roulette out there. Guys will settle into their roles and while they may struggle at times, most of the time they’ll have about 3 to 4 arms to get the team through the 7th and 8th. Diaz will blow a couple, but for the most part he’ll make sure the rest of the guys don’t have to work outside of their comfort zone.
6. Mitch Haniger
Remember the beginning of 2017, before he got hurt? He came out strong. He can bat 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, or 6th. He’s an All-Star. And he was the guy no one had ever heard of in the Segura for Walker and Marte trade.
7. Dee Gordon
In his last 3 healthy years, he’s hit .289, .333 and .308 with 64, 58 and 60 stolen bases. Now put him in front of Jean Segura and Robinson Cano. He’s going to drive pitchers batty.
8. Jean Segura
.319 and .300 in his last 2 seasons for bad teams. Now he hits with a stolen base threat (Gordon) on 1st and Robinson Cano on deck. The guy may not see a curveball all year. Just swing away Senor.
9. Robinson Cano
Maybe by the end of the year he’ll be down at the #6 hole because Haniger is batting .340. But you can still count on him this year for .280 and 20 HR. Either way, he’s still one of the best 2B in baseball.
Conclusion:
This team is going to hit the ball. They have 3 starters who can throw the ball, a closer who will give batters nightmares, and a cadre of supporting arms that won’t kill them. Keep it simple, stay healthy, and have a few other guys hit near the stats on their baseball card (Cruz, Seager, Zunino, Gamel), and it’s a 92 win team. Not enough to win the West, but enough to earn a one game wildcard playoff game with James Paxton on the hill. From there, who knows what happens?
The Conspiracy Theorist’s Guide to the NFL Playoffs
(This is a work of fiction. I do not believe there is an NFL conspiracy. At least, I’m pretty sure there’s not.)
It’s Playoff time! And our favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks, are seeded um, wait a second?! No Seahawks in the Playoffs? So in order to keep these playoffs interesting, I’m going to make some predictions based on the ludicrous idea that the NFL is scripted by screenwriters in New York.
Overarching themes for the playoffs:
- The NFL need some new and exciting matchups. And one of those is going to be a new Belicheck vs Brady rivalry, with Belichick leaving for New York after a disastrous 2017 post-season. So this year, no Patriots in the Super Bowl.
- There a couple of new cool young QB’s. They’ll lose in the first round.
- There’s one team left that needs a new stadium and new ownership.
- The NFC is going to win.
Week 1:
- Tennessee vs Kansas City: The NFL wants the young but not elite QB’s to do well enough to stay interesting. Mariotta fits that bill. He leads the Titans to victory over the coach that the NFL hates for some reason.
- Falcons vs Rams: Goff vs the NFC West is the storyline in the division for 2018 and beyond. But Matt Ryan’s revenge is more compelling this year. Falcons win, but the Rams are going to be poised and positioned to be the NFC favorite next year.
- Buffalo vs Jacksonville: Buffalo tried to lose this season, and yet the NFL needed them to be a playoff contender so the rich guys in Toronto would want to adopt them. A playoff birth is really all this terrible team needed to get. Now the franchise is worth an extra $250mm dollars. Jacksonville wins.
- Carolina vs New Orleans: The NFL is still annoyed at Cam Newton. Saints make him look silly and he has a meltdown in his press conference.
Week 2:
- Tennessee vs New England: Here’s the dumb upset of the playoffs. It’s inexplicable but the necessary plot twist to cause the Belichick/Brady breakup. Tennessee wins.
- Jacksonville vs Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh has some of the most exciting players in NFL. Plus, I’m pretty sure the Rooney and Mara families have a deal with the NFL where one of them makes the Super Bowl every 3 years. Jacksonville is 2018’s team, this year Pittsburgh wins.
- Atlanta vs Philadelphia: There is something about seeing Philly fans of any sport be miserable. But they’ll be more miserable if they lose next week. Philly wins.
- New Orleans vs Minnesota: Best game of the playoffs. It goes down to the wire and New Orleans wins, because the NFL needs enough time to get Minnesota’s stadium ready for the Super Bowl.
Week 3:
- Tennessee vs Pittsburgh: We can try to pretend this will be competitive, but Pittsburgh blows them out.
- New Orleans vs Philadelphia: As we said before, it’s nice to see Philly fans miserable. And everyone in Pennsylvania would be hoping for an intra-state Super Bowl. So karma leans to the Saints.
Super Bowl
- Pittsburgh vs New Orleans: Brees vs Roethlisberger. Ingram and Kamara vs Bell. Good WR’s on each squad. An exciting Super Bowl ends with the Saints getting screwed on a bad replay call, and the Steelers get the Super Bowl win.
10 Things To Do On New Year’s Day
The New Year is upon us. For many people, New Year’s Eve means staying up past our normal bedtimes, drinking champagne past a reasonable hour, and awaking the next morning thinking that the year can only improve from there.
But the good news is that you have the day off from work. You could turn on Netflix, find a show, and spend the next 10-15 hours between your couch and kitchen. But you could also be a little productive with your spare time and dead brain. Here are some suggestions.
- Take a walk around the block: Yeah it’s going to be cold. Probably rainy. One walk around the block will get your blood moving and lungs working. Plus it will get your brain going again – not much, but just enough to accomplish the rest of the stuff on the list.
- Remember your successes from 2017: It’s easy to get hung up on what you want to do better in 2018. Be in better shape, lose weight, make more money, etc… But you did some things really well in 2017. You did some things other people admire. Remember those wins.
- Backup all your photos: Oh some of you are really good at doing this on the fly. But the rest of you have hundreds of photos on your phone that you haven’t put in a safe place for awhile. Sure, I know they all get uploaded to the cloud, but why not save yourself the heartache of wondering if Apple is hack-proof? Just get all your photos on a backup hard drive. It takes very little effort.
- Clean up your phone: While you’re backing up your photos, why not take a spin through the 346 apps on your phone and clean some out. That new cool app you read about on FastCompany or Geekwire probably isn’t even in business anymore. Take an hour and wipe out the clutter.
- Read your LinkedIn profile: Remember that profile you updated the last time you needed a job, or got a new one? Yeah, the world has changed since then. Probably a good time to go in and make sure your professional internet presence reflects who you really are.
- Call some old friends: Hey guess what your friends are doing on Jan 1. Lying on the couch! Give them a call.
- Put all your gift cards in a stack by the front door: Maybe you aren’t like me, but I often receive gift cards that I never remember getting, then have them scattered around the house, so I forget to use them. I like to find them all and put them in one place next to my keys, so I can’t miss them when I’m leaving the house.
- Cook something delicious: Are you hungry now? Debating the prospects of leftovers vs a pizza? The internet makes it easy to find recipes. You can type in something like, “Easy things to cook on New Year’s” and I bet you’ll get a variety of chili and crockpot recipes that are awesome. Spend 20 minutes off the couch, go to the grocery store in your sweats and baseball hat, and then slow cook something that makes you seem like a culinary genius.
- Clean up your bookmarks: You have 100 articles stores somewhere that you meant to read at some point during the year. Either read it or delete it or both. Get a fresh palette of reading material.
- Write down the gifts you wanted and didn’t get this year: In a few months people will ask what you want for your birthday. And you won’t know. But if you have a list of “Xmas Didn’t Gets” in Evernote or GoogleDocs or whatever, you can just email it to them.
Happy New Year everyone. Whatever you do on your own New Year’s Day, I hope it leads to a prosperous and happy campaign.