Category Archives: Creative Writing

If We Bought Cars the Way We Choose a Presidential Candidate

Posted by Andy Boyer in Creative Writing, Politics

(Before anyone gets upset, most of this is tongue in cheek…)

So, the latest ABC debate was such a debacle, for just a second, I want to think about what would happen if we tried to decide which car to buy in the same way we think about who to vote for.

Let’s say the most important 3 issues in a car are cost, safety and style.  And let’s say the 3 most important issues in leading the country are the economy, national security and education. (You can argue this later, just go with it for now.)

Now let’s say I’m choosing between 3 particular cars.  And I know what the most important issues are.  But maybe I don’t really understand numbers so well.  And safety reports are really confusing.  The point is that I KNOW what the key issues should be.  But since I’m doing this the same way I pick a candidate, I’ll ignore them.  So what might I think and ask about?

  • Well, I will probably want to ask how much money each company is making.  I mean, I can’t support a company that is more successful financially than the others.
  • Next, I need to ask where the people who built my car go to church.  Who knows what kind of propaganda the employees might plant.
  • Which Hollywood stars think my car is the right choice?  They have nothing in common wth me, but if they would buy it, I should too.
  • Plus, I have to thnk about a bunch of minor details that really don’t affect the core issues of the car.  I need to look at what material the seats are made of, how big the steering wheel is, whether or not the parts were manufactured in the U.S. and how big the gas tank is.

So maybe this is gratuitous.  But think about these ridiculous arguments.  Is Obama’s preacher a crazy nut job?  Is McCain’s wife a gajillionaire?  Is Clinton more of a liar than every other politician? Who cares how we deal with China and Russia, will my gay friends be able to get married?  And border security is not nearly as interesting as whether Obama *really* thinks unemployed people who lost their homes are bitter.

The point is, why aren’t we focusing on making candidates come up with extremely well-thought out plans for Healtcare, Iraq, schools and  staving off the recession?  Who cares about the stupid stuff? 

An Email from Mark Cuban to David Stern

Posted by Andy Boyer in Creative Writing, Personal, Seattle, Sports

So, here’s the email I’d love to see from Mark Cuban to David Stern…..

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: WTF?

David:

Hey long time no talk.  I really miss our meetings in New York where we talk fines.  It’s my fault – I’ve been busy with the kid and all.  Hopefully I’ll be more feisty in 2009 and get to see you a little more.  

But anyway, quick question for you.  We’re in the middle of the most fascinating "End of season" in NBA History, at least in the West.  We could have NINE 50-win teams out here this year.  It should be the golden age of NBA Basketball West of the Mississippi River.  But when I opened ESPN.com this morning, the lead NBA Story was "E-mails suggest Sonics were thinking OKC in ’07."

Now, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but………………….. WTF?!?!?!? 

Ok, look, I know Clay Bennett is an oil guy and oil is like $2000 a barrel right now.  And I can’t disagree that having some oil money would be good for the league.  Look how well it worked for the English Premier League when they got that Russian Oil Baron, Abromovich.  Now Chelsea’s payroll makes the Yankees look like the Devil Rays.  Win-win all around, except for all the former KGB agents walking around Stamford Bridge these days and that goofy radiation murder.

But I digress.

I need to have a heart-to-heart with you about part of this whole Sonics hijacking.  I mean, let’s look at this on its surface.

  • We lose market #12 for market #50
  • We leave the entire Pacific NW to Portland
  • Our Northwest Division now has a team whose natural rival is Dallas.
  • We could be embroiled in a 3 year lame duck situation, where attendance falls to 254 people a game.
  • We gut a team with a 41 year tradition.
  • We have to induct Gary Payton into the Hall of Fame in a Miami Heat jersey.

I could go on and on. But I think you get the point.

EXCEPT……….this whole thing now has you in an awkward situation.  You see, dear Mr. Bennett has forced you into a corner.  I read all of those emails the Seattle Times and  ESPN published.  Not pretty.

So, from what I gather, one of two things happened: 

1) Clay-Clay and you have some kind of buddy-buddy thing going on, where you and he basically lie through your teeth all day long.  Which makes of you guys both liars, and I’m not sure how I feel about paying big fines to a liar.  Plus, you would be willingly letting a dishonest ownership group into our little clique.  I’m not sure how I feel about guys with more money than me looking for ways to screw me over.  Especially when they are under the watch of another guy who wants to screw me over.

2) OR – Clay-Clay lied to you about this whole Seattle stadium situation.  I know from experience, you don’t screw with King David.  So, I would expect you to fine or punish Clay-Clay the same way you would if any of us tried to pull something.  I mean, you went ballistic over the Kevin McHale / Joe Smith deal, and he was lying to make his team BETTER (at least he thought he was.)  If Clay-Clay really lied to you, well, you better nail him to the wall, because there are 31 other sneaky owners in this league, and we can smell weakness.  Wait till my spin machine gets going if I find out lying to David Stern is not a capital offense, but one that is remedied with a simple apology.

BTW, that wasn’t a threat.  The point is, we have a problem.  Either you and Bennett are be the slimiest people alive, which makes me question my investment in the NBA.  Or Bennett is a liar that is going to go unpunished, which makes me wonder why I get so skewered by you.  I mean, I’ve said a lot of inflammatory things, but they are all TRUE! I questioned the integrity of your refs, you fined me, and your ref ended up in jail for fixing games.  Shouldn’t I get my money back?  I mean, you fined me for being right!  And now we have this Oklahoma yahoo running around telling you lies.  If he doesn’t get punished, well, then I just have to wonder about this whole thing.

Maybe I’m just bitter about Dirk’s injury, but I am really concerned about this whole situation.  I haven’t even asked about how you could possibly ignore the desire of Steve Freaking Ballmer to join the NBA.  Good god!  He’s like the 6th richest guy in the world.  Why the hell wouldn’t we BEG for Steve to join our club?  A guy with lots of money who knows nothing about sports.  HELLO!?!?!? It’s like letting a blind samaratan sit down at a poker table.  C’mon man…This is the kind of money the NBA needs.  Clean, technology money from a global titan.  You want to expand internationally?  I think Steve might know one or two heads of state.  This guy is going to be CEO of Microsoft in 4 months.  The man has some pull.

In conclusion, I hope I haven’t said anything that will cost me another check.  But really, we need to talk about this before we look any stupider as a league.  I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but oil guys are only slightly ahead of steroid dealers and Iranian prime ministers in popularity contests right now.  And the country is in a recession.  Is this really the time to bully a bunch of unemployed people who just lost their houses, to buy a stadium for an oil tycoon while 50% of their kids aren’t graduating high school? Maybe we need to look around and pay attention to what is happening around the rest of the country….I’m just saying….maybe we can think of a way to show why we’re such a smart league, and not a bunch of billionaire morons.

Regards,

Mark Cuban