Every World Cup gives us the matches everyone wanted.
Brazil and Germany. England and Argentina. Spain and Portugal. Those games sell themselves. But we have A LOT of teams this year from a lot of countries. I’m more interested in the games where two sets of supporters look at the draw, pause for a second, and quietly think, “I have no idea where that is.”
That’s part of what makes the World Cup different from every other sporting event on Earth. Every four years, millions of people become amateur geographers, food critics and historians overnight. One day you’re studying the opposing striker. The next you’re looking up what haggis is.
So, for fun, here are the starting 11 for the World Cup’s craziest geographical matchups, where the prevailing qualification is simple: What are the odds that supporters of either team have ever actually met a supporter of the other?
And since we need a starting 11, we might as well field an actual team. Positions have been assigned using the sort of rigorous scouting methodology normally associated with picking horses by the color of their silks.
Goalkeeper: Japan vs. Bolivia
You want your goalkeeper isolated, comfortable operating alone, and preferably a considerable distance from everyone else. Perfect.
Tokyo and La Paz might as well be on different planets. Bullet trains and the Andes. Sushi and salteñas. Pacific islands against a landlocked country sitting thousands of feet above sea level.
Scouting report: Excellent range. Almost nobody gets from one to the other.
Left Back: Czechia vs. Panama
Every good team needs a fullback who doesn’t attract much attention but turns out to be surprisingly interesting once you start watching him. Prague and Panama City. Beer halls and beaches. Castles and canals. Central Europe and Central America. Nobody circled this matchup when the draw came out, which is exactly why it makes the team.
Scouting report: Dependable. Underappreciated. Probably knows exactly where everyone else should be standing.
Center Back: Norway vs. Peru
Mountains. Lots and lots of mountains. These are two countries that look like they were designed by someone who had just discovered the vertical axis.
Norway gives us fjords, snow and sturdy people wearing excellent sweaters. Peru counters with the Andes, llamas and people who have been dealing with altitude since long before Europeans realized there was another hemisphere.
Scouting report: Impossible to move. Dominant in the air.
Center Back: South Korea vs. Ghana
This feels like the center back who is considerably quicker than his partner.
Seoul and Accra bring entirely different languages, climates, cuisines and histories. There aren’t many obvious reasons the average Ghanaian family would spend spring break in South Korea, or vice versa.
Scouting report: Athletic, disciplined and not particularly interested in your vacation plans.
Right Back: Canada vs. Cameroon
This one gets the utility position because, remarkably, there is a connection.
French. Granted, Montreal and Yaoundé are rather different places to practice it.
Canada brings hockey, forests and the occasional temperature at which human habitation seems ill advised. Cameroon brings tropical forests, extraordinary biodiversity and considerably less need for driveway snow removal.
Scouting report: Versatile. International experience. Can communicate with the other fullback if everyone remembers their high school French.
Holding Midfielder: Uruguay vs. Iran
Somebody has to take this exercise seriously. Uruguay and Iran feel perfect for the job. Two countries with enormously passionate football cultures and almost no obvious reason for their populations to encounter one another outside of football. This is the player who doesn’t care about our jokes. He’s here to get three points.
Scouting report: Serious. Organized. Has already received a yellow card.
Holding Midfielder: Sweden vs. Ecuador
The temperature differential alone earns selection. One country figured out how to make winter look stylish. The other is literally named after the equator. Sweden and Ecuador also give us Scandinavian order meeting South American energy, with remarkably little natural tourism traffic connecting the two.
Scouting report: Box to box midfielder, provided one box contains sunscreen and the other contains thermal underwear.
Left Wing: New Zealand vs. Tunisia
Now we need some adventure. Two spectacular countries surrounded by water, sitting in completely different corners of the world.
One is Pacific, Polynesian influenced and so remote that it became a perfectly plausible substitute for Middle Earth. The other sits on the Mediterranean with Arab, African and European influences layered across thousands of years.
Scouting report: Loves open space. Will travel. Has to.
Right Wing: Morocco vs. Paraguay
North Africa against landlocked South America.
Morocco gives us Casablanca, Marrakech, the Atlas Mountains and the Sahara. Paraguay gives us Asunción, the Paraná basin and a country many otherwise well educated people would struggle to locate precisely on an unlabeled map. Put them out wide and let them run at each other.
Scouting report: Unpredictable. Excellent change of direction. Geography teacher’s nightmare.
No. 10: Cape Verde vs. Uruguay
Finally, Cape Verde. Cape Verde could have made this squad about three times, but we’re limiting everyone to one appearance.
A small Atlantic island nation off the coast of West Africa against a small South American nation tucked between Brazil and Argentina is precisely why the World Cup exists. There cannot be many offices on Earth containing both a Cape Verde supporter and a Uruguay supporter.
Scouting report: Creative. Unexpected. Nobody had him in their preseason starting XI, and now the entire offense runs through him.
Striker: Saudi Arabia vs. Chile
This is where we want intensity. Saudi Arabia and Chile both have enormous landscapes, formidable deserts and national personalities unlikely to be intimidated by the occasion. They also sit about as far apart culturally and geographically as two football nations reasonably can. Nobody is backing down.
Scouting report: Aggressive. Direct. Shoots first. May require several connecting flights to get back onside.
The Five Subs
Algeria vs. Colombia: First attacking option off the bench. Plenty of energy.
Egypt vs. Peru: Two ancient civilizations arguing over who has the more impressive old rocks.
Turkey vs. New Zealand: Excellent utility player. Can operate in Europe, Asia or Middle Earth.
Portugal vs. New Zealand: Vasco da Gama meets hobbits. Devastating late game option.
Cape Verde vs. somebody else: Technically ineligible because Cape Verde is already playing the No. 10, but their geographic matchup numbers were simply too good to leave out of the matchday program.